How To Attach Wood Siding?
Wood siding is not just decorative or functional, it’s also very expensive. You may think that you don’t need to spend much money on your home but then again if you are thinking about buying a new house soon, you will probably want to make sure that your home is well maintained and looks good. If you have a small house with limited space, you might even consider installing some sort of solar panel system so that you can generate electricity from the sun instead of using energy generated from fossil fuels.
In any case, it would be wise to invest in wood siding because it adds character to your home and makes it look better than bare concrete walls. Wood siding is one of the most cost effective ways to add value to your property.
The first thing you need to decide is whether you want to use nails or screws. Nails are cheap and easy to work with. They’re also durable enough that they’ll last for years. Screws are slightly more costly but they’re stronger than nails and won’t easily break off during normal use.
There are other materials like fiberglass, steel rebar, etc. but they’re not very common so I won’t go into detail about them.
Since nails are cheap, easy to work with, and can be used for most types of panels, we’ll focus on that for this demonstration. The specific type of nails you’ll want to use are known as “siding nails”. that you can use to reinforce your walls but they’re really only necessary if the walls of your bunker are especially weak.
You’ll need to dig holes in the ground, place the wood into them, and pour concrete or mortar around the wood so that it’s stuck in place. The problem is that wood rots over time, especially when it’s constantly exposed to water and moisture. The best way to preserve wood is to keep it dry. They’re slightly larger than normal nails and are darkened to keep them from glowing at night (since they’ll be exposed, you don’t want them to be reflecting light).
They also have a small groove at the head to help with extraction later. You’ll need a nail gun and compressor to shoot out the nails but other than that, there’s not much special about the tools you’ll need.
Mark where you want your nails to go.
You already have a giant wall to the South and East so those are the directions you don’t need to worry about. To the North, you have a huge mound of dirt with grass growing on it so unless it rains for several decades straight, that wall shouldn’t be a problem. This is easiest if you use a framing square (like this: ) to make sure the corners are right angles.
Cut the wood to size. measure twice, cut once. Use a hand or power saw. Make sure you cut it to length; if you’re shimming a weak wall, you need to leave space for the shim.
The West wall is where you’ll need to focus your attention since that’s the one that faces the forest. You’ve marked out several locations along the wall to place wood boards. They’re about 6 feet tall in height and 12 inches wide. At this point, all you have to do is chop a bunch of holes into the wall then pour some concrete into them so that the wood is secured in place.
Once you have it cut, place one of the boards on the wall. Use a level to make sure it’s straight. You can adjust it with shims (if you have weak/crumbling concrete) or additional wood (if the wall is just slightly off).
Drill pilot holes in the wood. You can do this with a small cordless drill or a power drill.
Nails are sharp so wear gloves when handling them. They’re smaller than you thought and it’s difficult to hold onto them if your hands are sweaty (it’s a little nerve-racking working around high voltages so your hands tend to sweat a bit). You start on the West wall, about 10 feet up. The wood is soft enough that this shouldn’t require too much force; it’ll just take a few dozen tries.
Once you’re done with the pilot holes, you can place the rest of the nails in. Use the blunt end of the nail to hammer it through the wood and into the wall. You’ll need to use a lot of nail to ensure it goes in.
When you’re done with one, move on to the next. You line up your nail and drill a small pilot hole (just a few turns) then switch to a larger bit (about 1 inch). You don’t want to drill all the way through or you’ll have a weak spot.
Once that’s done, you put the nail in the hole and hammer it until the head protrudes on both sides. You do this at several locations along the wall. It doesn’t matter which direction you place the wood, however, your goal is to have all of the wall covered since it’s stronger that way. After a few hours (you didn’t bring any water so make sure you take breaks for that), all of the holes are filled and you’re done for today.
You’d return the tools but it’s too far to walk back so you just place them back inside the metal box and close it shut. You’ve created holes that will be filled with concrete so the wood boards are secured in place.
You move on to the next wall (to the North). You do the same thing, only this time you are drilling all the way through the wood and into the soil/dirt below. You need a lot of nails since you’re covering more surface area. The ground is soft and loose so it doesn’t take too much effort.
You head outside and take a look at your work. It’s dark now but you can still make out the shape of the wall thanks to the moonlight shining on it. You get back in the car and drive home for the night.
Hammers: $15 for 4, used 3
Wood: $15 for enough to cover two walls 6 feet high by 12 inches wide. After drilling hundreds of holes, you get a little careless and the drill bit breaks off inside one of the holes.
You try to pull it out (it’s only a few inches in) but it’s stuck tight. You grow impatient and continue placing nails. After doing so, you realize that you’ll need that bit back since you still have several boards left to complete. It’s dark now and you don’t have any more light to see by so you give up for the day.
You now have a decent underground room. It’s definitely not the Ritz but it’s yours (or rather, yours and hers).
You’ve spent around $60 on this project so far but you’re almost done.
You rush over the next few days and get everything finished: concrete, wood, nails, etc. You also end up having to replace some of your tools since you went through them pretty quick. All in all though, it was worth it. You place the remainder of the wood in the shed and lock it up tight.
You’ll have to get a new bit in the morning and finish up.
The next day, you get your car running (the battery was just dead) and head off to buy a new drill bit. It takes a little while but you find one that is recommended for wood.
You stop by your work area and that’s when you realize something isn’t right.
Maybe your parents were right, this was a good idea. You never thought you’d hear yourself say that.
You start on the inside next. You need to make sure you do this right because it’s going to be a lot more complicated. You see a few boards out of place and, thinking that it may have been the wind, you slide them to the side.
It wasn’t the wind.
You find into your room and everything is trashed. Your brand new tool box has been smashed in and the tools are either broken or bent out of shape. They were used and then thrown back at you. You try to pick them up but they cut into your palms since some of the metal is still very sharp.
After a few days of running back and forth to the city (you really hope your parent’s never find out about that) and numerous trips between your shed and the house, you’ve got it done.
You finally have the bedroom of your dreams.
Your parents never ask too many questions since you started ‘Working’ at the family business but you know they’re wondering why you suddenly needed a bigger room.
You feel something wet hit your face and you look up. It’s raining, or at least it was. The water is now red and pouring down in front of you. You blink a few times and realize that it’s blood coming from your head.
You don’t know how you didn’t notice it before; you have a hole going straight through your skull.
You fall to your knees and tilt to the side since your balance is gone. You just kept it simple and told them you were tired of ‘Hiding’ your career choice from them and asked if you could move into the room. They had no objections but they were still a little confused since you’ve always been so close to them.
Strangely, they weren’t surprised when you asked for a lock on the door.
You decided to get a fairly large room since you’re there now. You gasp for air and realize you’re not getting any. Your heart is still beating, though. That probably can’t be said for too much longer…
You don’t have too tough of a time cleaning up the rest of the mess. The drill was able to get through the top of your head and out the back with ease. You can see where it started to come out but got stuck on the back of your skull. You really need a new drill bit though; the one you have is almost destroyed and it keeps jamming up.
You’ll have to remember to pick one up on your next trip in town.
The mattress wasn’t too hard to install (even if you did rip through it a few times) and while you were at it, you decided to put some sheets on it too. You can also see where the drill has been chewing away at your skull for weeks.
You place your head back to its proper position and try to imagine what you should do with it now. You didn’t really think that far ahead. Maybe you could glue it back together? No, that would be way too obvious and there’s a hole in it already. You could always fill the whole in with wax first…
If your parents ask, you were thinking of doing it anyway. If they don’t ask, well, that’s one less thing for you to worry about!
Now, there was one more thing you had to do before you could call it a night.
You went outside with a shovel and started digging a hole. It didn’t take long before you were knee deep in mud. As you tossed the shovel aside, you looked back at the house.
You reach for your bag and take out your blow torch and a candle. It would be best if the wax was the same color as your skull so you could blend it in… or at least make it less noticeable.
You place the candle on a rock that you used as a base and start to melt down the wax into something more liquid-like. You’ve never done anything like this before but you imagine it’s not too different from cooking over a stove.
After everything was prepared, you started to fill in the hole in your head with the wax. This also wasn’t too different from cooking since it got hot as hell after a while. or at least that’s what you think would happen.
You melt the candle and begin dripping it into the hole when you realize this probably would have been easier if you were outside. Regardless, you begin to fill the hole with wax. It doesn’t take long for the bottom of your jeans to become covered in wax too.
With all the candles lit, you take a step back to admire your work. You’re honestly surprised how well it turned out. You decided to use as much of it as you could and only stopped when you felt like your skull was about to crack.
You placed the candle down and looked at your handy work in the moonlight. You couldn’t really see inside your head but there was a noticeable difference in weight. It was still sloshing around when you shook your head around a bit. The candle wax looks just like your natural skull.
You check the time and see that it’s 1:30am. You’ve spent a lot of time on this project but you think you’ll be able to sleep regardless.
You close your door, throw your bag on the floor, and begin taking off your pants since they’re covered in wax. You hang them along with your hoodie up in the closet before changing into some sweatpants to sleep in.
You dug back into the hole you created and placed the candles within it along with the melted wax and the rock. You decided to keep the wick part of it in the melted liquid.
After that, you threw a little dirt over it and tramped it down before walking away. It would be noticeable if anyone were to look at your yard but given how your parents never really look outside, you should be fine. You turn off the lights and get under your covers.
It takes a bit to fall asleep with all the adrenaline still in your system but eventually, you doze off.
You begin floating through what looks like an old 2D video game made entirely of green text. “You have died of a brain aneurysm. Please choose which realm to journey to.”
Sources & references used in this article:
- Method and device to attach building siding boards (R Schaefer – US Patent 9,624,675, 2017 – Google Patents)
- Endpiece for wood siding (GE Lehn – US Patent 7,412,803, 2008 – Google Patents)
- Column for wood siding (G Lehn – US Patent App. 10/863,686, 2005 – Google Patents)
- Siding clip (LA Wood – US Patent 5,150,555, 1992 – Google Patents)